Lessons, Torah, Sandy... Modern Day Life Lessons

Attending a bar mitzvah this past Shabbat in a shul out of town I had many emotions that I wasn't expecting. The Rabbi began to talk about this week’s parsha, Chayei Sarah. As he was discussing Eliezer going out to find Yitzchak’s future, not just his wife, my mind began to wander. Rivkah reminded me of our children’s school, not only was she attentive to one aspect of the approaching stranger – but holistically.

When J and I got married and began our family 13 years ago, just two months shy of this Bar-Mitzvah boy’s birth, we had already had the opportunity to think about what our vision was for our children’s education. We had our Eliezer to help us scout out our children’s best option for a holistic education. Our Eliezer was the many families and even some friends who had already sent their children to this school, helping us gather information about this amazing place of learning. During our past 6 years and into our 7^th we have become our school’s Eliezer as well. We have been part of this amazing community – a Rivkah that has not only shown us a holistic approach to education, but also community.

Our school has been our community and family through the tragic death of my grandmother erev pesach 2007, to Bean’s 10 day hospitalization in 2009 and diagnosis 8 months later to our latest health scare in 2012. Our school has seen our children holistically helping, guiding and supporting all 6 of us through learning disabilities, diagnosing ADHD, sever anxiety and behavioral issues that often come with each of these diagnoses.

But the parsha begins a bit earlier – it begins with Sarah’s death - the parsha says she had “a good life” and ends with Avraham’s death.

We were in NJ, where just like my hometown, Sandy brought alot of devastation. The Rabbi asked us what we would choose to bring if we hadonly 20 minutes before we had to evacuate, things that were not replaceable by insurance money (we weren’t talking lives but rather objects). He talked about prize possessions we would take, the family heirlooms.

My mind wandered from Bubbie’s candlesticks and the ones the kids made in 2^nd grade to family pictures to the four, individual, boxes we have in our basement that contain our irreplaceable children’s creations for every chag, every American holiday, every topic of education from Picasso to the Colonies.

I could no longer hold in my emotions, as the next place my head went to, was what if Puppy’s box  didn't  get to be full of all these wonderful things…what if he  didn't  have a crown from his chaggigat hasidur? What if  didn't  get to have a t-shirt from star gazing? What if he  doesn't  get to make his candle sticks for his Kabbalat Shabbat ceremony?

And then I focused back into what the Rabbi was saying. The torah said Sarah had a good life. Was it the life that she had planned? Was it the life she was promised? No, she and Abraham  didn't  have the land they were promised nor the number of children, it  wasn't  the vision she had for her life. And those affected by Sandy, whatever their plan was for October 30^th changed when Sandy hit on the 29^th. In whatever capacity they were affected, weather that was not having power for two weeks, or lost their homes completely. And people had to grieve; everyone has the right to grieve.

Our own little world had a perfect storm on November 2^nd. We made a mistake while giving Puppy his medicine, he  didn't  get 1/3 of it. And the shadow who has been in place to watch Puppy’s every move during this transition  wasn't  nearby. Puppy behaved inappropriately. A little boy told him something Puppy knew not to be true, and instead of either of them finding an adult to help – the verbal escalated, Puppy then grabbed him and stomped on his foot. Puppy’s behavior was not ok, it was not out of the range of age appropriate, but it was not ok. Even though he has progressed so beautifully, so.beautifully., these past 6 weeks his career at our beloved school is in jeopardy. And now my vision for what I had planned for his life, for his education for his future is changing.

I began to question our Rivkah and weather she is truly as holistic as we thought she was. Maybe Eliezer made a mistake with reading his signs…or maybe history of being holistic with others in the past is not representative of the future. But I don’t think so – I think there are other pressures.  

But I grieve that our Puppy will be the one to lose the opportunity of the future wehad planned for him. It is possible the other future will be an okay one for him; it is possible the other future may be a better one for him. But I can’t seeany of that yet; I can only see the doom and gloom that needs to be rebuilt after the storm.

Our school has such a great gift in our son Puppy as a student, not only is he an amazing kid with amazing gifts and qualities, his challenges, which he does have his share of – helps our Rivkah reveal some of her own hidden riches she might not have known she had.  

“The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches but reveal to them their own.” Benjamin Disraeli

So for now I grieve. I grieve for the change in plan, the change in vision, the feeling of Puppy being cheated of this wonderful future, this wonderful community. I grieve that this opportunity to help build community and teach children how each one of them has challenges, and how they can work as a team building unity and support for one another is being missed. And I cry, loudly and often.

But as the Rabbi said, Sarah saw her life as good, even though it  wasn't  the future she had envisioned. I pray that I will get there soon, for the strength to get there soon and the ability to support Puppy through his anxiety, fear and grief of a future he has too envisioned for himself that is changing – way beyond his or our control. And I cry, loudly and often.

"Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli

Ten Years

Today is the my father-in-laws Yahrzeit. The hebrew anniversary of his death.

It is amazing to me that so much time has passed. It is amazing to me that's he did not have the opportunity to meet Bean or Puppy.

I love remembering how welcomed he made me feel to the family.

I felt his presence this past week, his gentle and kind reassuring hand....

May his memory be a blessing to all who knew him, and to all the lives he touched.

My Grandfather's Clock, 90 Years

Today, June 5th 2012 would have been my Grandpa J's 90th Birthday. He has been gone almost 4 full years - but his spirit and legacy are still very much with us, every.day.

As I began to think about this day all I could think of was the song - "My Grandfather's Clock" - for some crazy reason we sang it in a play in second grade - it was a "Father Time" play. Seems a little morbid looking back - but I remember DG dressed up as Father Time - and I have never forgotten the words to this song.

Grandpa's Clock

My grandfather's clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It was bought on the morn
Of the day that he was born,
And was always his treasure and pride;
But it stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
CHORUS:
Ninety years without slumbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
His life seconds numbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
It stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.


My grandparents had an amazing clock in their living room - (so happened it was a 'grandmother' clock but still, it is big). The sound is magnificent - and the memories of watching Grandpa wind it fill my heart - it was almost ritualistic.

I worried, as a 7 year old, if this clock would stop working when my Grandpa died...and if it did, what would I have to remember him by.

The clock still works beautifully - and I love listening it to it whenever I am at my parent's home - but I never had to worry about how I would remember him - he is a part of my every day.

He has influenced so much of who I am today, how J and I raise our children, how we value family and relationships, how we observe our Judaism. I know how proud he would be of all of us today, knowing that he had a hand in raising all of us and the decisions we make today as adults.

That other song that comes to mind is one that he used to sing: My Zayde 
But Zayde made us laugh,
Zayde made us sing,
And Zayde made a kiddush Friday night;
And Zayde, oh, my Zayde,How I loved him so,
And Zayde used to teach me wrong from right

So much has happened in the past 4 years, his absence has truly been felt...from the birth of E, to RD & D's wedding, and DR & A's wedding, Lolo's graduation from graduate school, DR & DL's graduations from law school, JP on Broadway, JP's engagement to A, Lolo's engagement to P, Unc on birthright, Bob and Belle learning to read Torah, all the teeth that have been lost and so many other everyday happenings where we would love to just pick up the phone and share it with him...

Happy Birthday George. We love you and we miss you everyday - but we know you are watching over us and all we do. From the tick-tock of the clock to kiddush Friday night and everything in between, you are a part of us and we are your amazing legacy.

Grandpa and me 1975

Grandma, Grandpa and Me 1977

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Eulogy I gave at Grandpa's Funeral - 8-15-08

When thinking of Grandpa J, we think of a strong man, with strong values and strong opinions. Grandpa J was not shy about telling us, or anyone, his opinion. Everything he did, and all the choices he made were made with the best intentions and with his bubie – children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren in mind.

We as his grandchildren learned much from him – but most importantly, the importance of family relationships. Grandpa, weather he meant to or not taught us that family time, through traveling and spending chagim together, create our most important memories and bonds. We as siblings, in groups, of three – EJ, SJ and RD – Lolo, Unc and me – JP, DR and DL, have emulated  the relationships our parents have modeled with each other…but we as cousins – all 9 of us - and now with the addition of our spouses – have a relationship that many siblings can only dream of.

As I stand here today– I can still here him say Hi Lissa Pooh as he answers the phone. Just in that right voice of his – in recent years it has been, how many kids do you have now? 4 – FOUR! You knocked out FOUR kids…but when I think Grandpa J, that isn’t what I remember.

I remember walking to the bathroom from my yellow room in their house – and hearing someone say, “is that a mouse I hear??” “a large mouse!”

Climbing into bed between Grandma and Grandpa and Grandpa trying to warm his toes on me – a talent I have inherited. I remember Grandpa rubbing his stubbly face on mine. And him smelling my cheek.

I remember watching fireworks out of the bedroom window after4^th of July baseball games, and listening to airplanes overhead – by the direction grandpa knew where they were headed.

I remember sitting on the spinny stool in his office watching him work on everyone’s mouths. And I remember yelling at him to put both hands back on the wheel as he clapped to his chazonish music in the car.

I remember walking to shul with Grandpa and sitting on the wrong side of the mechitzah on his lap – with all the men, with the boys getting up to sing Anim Zemirot – and the bar mitzvah reading Torah – he would say, “Lissa Pooh, you are going to be do that soon.” The irony escaped me then,but he believed I would – and though it was at a very different shul, without a mechitzah – I did.

I remember walking to the record store, to buy my Aficoman present – Sader Party that has become infamous over these years and that Grandma B was able to bring back to us last year.

I don’t know if the other grandchildren know this – and I’m pretty sure my kids don’t – but Grandpa was way ahead of his time – maybe 4 or5 decades – with recycling. Grandpa used to type letters and notes on envelopes that he pulled out of his trash can in his office.

Long before the 75 year old Grandpa J mastered the world of“web-tv” 10 years ago, Grandpa wrote letters to congressmen and senators,presidents and vice presidents alike – and when that standard form letter came back he believed that people like the likes of President Regan were really writing to him. Boy were we concerned when his ability to mail out letters multiplied exponentially by the power of the forward button.

Grandpa J loved each one of us, in his own way. There were times when he was hard on each one of us – but grandpa truly believed that it was his responsibility, as the Dad, as the Grandpa and as the Zayde– like Moshe Rabeinu taught - to make sure his children all lived up to the best of their potential.

(Bob) – “the one with brains” you are named after  Zayde's cousin Jack.  Zayde loved your love of Judaism and your inquisitiveness, and your love for knowledge and reading. May you think not only of Hashem every time you “put a kippah on your head” – but  Zayde also.

(Belle) – “the smart blonde one” – you are named after  Zayde's brother Uncle Eli, Yechielle  - he loved your sensitive nature and how you sat and talked with him, and I loved the way you had patience and reminded me very much of my relationship with  Zayde when I was your age.

(Bean) – “little girl” – you are named after Grandpa G –who anytime his name was mentioned  Zayde said, he was such a nice man.  Zayde judged character – he knew when he liked someone – and your are someone who is special and sensitive to others' emotions.

(Puppy) – “gan eden" – you are named for the praise to god of having achieved the garden of eden, paradise – with four healthy children. You are the youngest of all of  Zayde's 8 great grandchildren. What paradise  Zayde was able to achieve – a loving beautiful wife of 63 years, 5 wonderful children,– 11 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren.

My wish for my children is that you remember the relationship you had with your  Zayde – and that you strive each day to be the best person, friend and family member you can be.

May we all live healthy long lives full joy, knowledge and compassion – living life to it’s fullest.

Beautiful Partnerships

Life is not always easy. There are ups and downs. Choosing to share your life with someone is a personal choice. and who you choose to share it with, even more difficult and more personal.

I cannot remember a time when I did not believe that same sex relationships were beautiful. Maybe it was the family I grew up in. I remember cousin H and his boyfriend, I remember cousin R. The older generation, the G siblings seemed just as excepting of them as any other relationship in our family. Maybe it was just my perception. But that is my memory from about the age of 5 on, sitting in Aunt F and Uncle H's back yard, being welcomed and welcoming others into the family.

It is very much how my Grandma B was. She was not judgmental. Very accepting and loving of people for who they are and what they were able to being to the table.

I chose a life partner who believes the same way I do. We believe, when finding love, sex/gender is not an issue.

One if my favorite memories of the kids, when they were little (Belle was 4 and Bob was 5), was a Sunday morning, J and I were trying to doze while the 4 were watching TV on our bed. Bob said to us, "Belle thinks that two girls can get married!" J and I simultaneously in our sleep blurted out, "she's right!" I added just not in the state of MD yet, but hopefully soon. They took it and moved on. You see it was 2006 and by then same sex marriage was legal in Massachusetts...we were hoping that Maryland wouldn't be far behind.

I have tried to take the opportunity to point out the beauty of relationships, healthy ones, whenever I can.

Recently, a friend from college received an award for his journalistic piece on DOMA. I was cuddling in bed with Bean and telling her about it. She said "mommy, I don't know why they make such a big deal about people who love people who are the same gender, it just makes it seem like they are different - but they aren't, they are the same, they just want to marry the people they love..."

How right she was, my heart filled with pride...it was so matter of fact for her, it upset her that people made a big deal.

And then this past Saturday night, as we were lighting candles to bring in the holiday of Shavuot, Belle was asking why I got to light 2 candles and the kids only 1.

J explained to her that girls light one before they are married for themselves, and two after- one for themselves and one for their husband. Without a split second of delay Belle said, "or wife!"

Two very amazingly proud mommy moments for me. They give me hope for the future and the feeling that with all the ups and downs of parenthood we are clearly doing something right.

I hope and pray that our four beautiful children will each find a life partner who loves them as much as their father loves me, who is able to bring out the best in them and who can support them in their life journey navigating through life's ups and downs and celebrating the beauty of all healthy relationships!

New Favorite Holiday

My favorite holiday used to be Passover, but that changed back in 2007. So for the past five years I have been trying to create new traditions for my "new favorite holiday," Shavuot. Shavuot starts 7 weeks after the first day of Passover. It tends to be a lesser known Jewish holiday - maybe because as a friend recently said it is after most of the learning during the school year is done, or maybe because only 7 weeks after all the work of passover another holiday is almost too much to think about.

5 years ago we made our way to Bethany Beach - we rented a house with NES (who was pregnant with L), her lovely husband M, and E who at the time was 16 months old. It was a testament to our friendship - can  you imagine 9 of us, in a 3 bedroom house for a week - two of the days being holidays with NO TV or electronics of any type. It is one of my favorite memories.

And then we did it again the next year! L was almost 6 months old and this time with 10 of us in one house. 

It is amazing to know we have people in our lives that we choose to spend time with and see benefits all around! I think that trip with Bob and L really began their love affair. This is one of my favorite pictures! (He wanted her to look at the camera).

Unfortunately in 2009 things got more difficult Bean got sick, and over the weekend of Shavuot we were in Vancouver and Seattle for J's Grandma's funeral. And we didn't get our "get-away." In 2010 while we got to cohabitate with NES and family we didn't get our "get-away" either. Rinse repeat 2011 sans the baby and snow - though we did get to spend a Shabbat at NES's home in November.

One of my favorite traditions from our Beach Shavuot was fondue, the boyz men didn't like it as much as NES and I, but they put up with us. So while we haven't gone away the past few years, we have brought a little bit of the beach memory/tradition to our home.

Gather 3 fondue pots, 7 children and 4 adults and you have my favorite ingredients for my new favorite holiday! For the past few years we have done just that.

Not going away has blessed us with the opportunity to add new friends to our tradition - we have welcomed  S and M and Little SJ. So make that 8 children and 6 adults.

And while it isn't a "get-away" it is nice to know that we have friends who "get" us, accept us and have helped create new traditions and memories for my new favorite holiday.

I look forward to Shavuot 2013 - when it is only a few days past Mother's day. Maybe we will "get-away" maybe we won't - but the Minhag has been set - fondue and friends are on the menu.

Bouncing Bean and the Shabbat Bride

I know that often people portray themselves differently in different situations and children often behave one way at school/friend's homes and another at home. Sometimes this is positive and sometimes, not so much!

In our microcosm at SCentral this is true with 50% of our children. For Belle and Puppy, they are who they are where ever they are, what you see is what you get. But for Bob and Bean, I can tell you if I wasn't SURE the person was talking about my child I would think they had me terribly confused. 

It is most prevalent with Bean. She has always been - as I LOVINGLY call her a "$h!% disturber" - with our family, we say they are "messing" with people. I wrote this post about her almost 4 years ago exactly!  I could really just cut and paste the ENTIRE thing right here and change her age to 8 instead of 4!

She is often the most difficult kid in our house but at other times the most amazing helpful accommodating person in the world! It is hard for me to balance her two personalities often. 

Last year, when she was in first grade, her beloved teacher, Ms. H stopped me on the way up the walkway to school to tell me what a "pleasure it is to have her in class" and how she is "blessed" to have her...I love Ms. H - she really is a talented and loving teacher - she had Belle during one of her most difficult years and in my head it was almost like - she was getting rewarded with Bean after having Belle. Yes, it was totally in my head. Ms. H wrote in Bean's report card - "(Bean) is the most soft-spoken, quiet..." really can't tell you what else it said as there was no way they were talking about my child. People who are friends with our family laugh when I tell them that story, or people's perception of Bean at school...they know her, they have seen her in action - it blows them away.

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I fear that we don't give her as much positive feedback as she deserves - I started writing this post on Thursday, the day of her "Kabbalat Shabbat" (welcoming the sabbath) program in her class....but yesterday, Saturday we had another family with 4 children come over for lunch and a play-date for the afternoon. That can be a separate post, but what was one of the most powerful things that came out of seeing a family that very much mirrored ours in many ways, was how their third interacted with the family.

They described a child very much like Bean (although we have not seen him that way when we observe him at school or at our home), and what the parents also described was how the other children don't give him the benefit of the doubt, "he will" or "he always"....

That is what happens to Bean. From all of us. She wants attention, any way she can get it - positive or negative. I need to be able to try to remember that - reward her amazing qualities and pay less attention to the "other stuff" to give her the praise she is able to get at school which probably does a lot to reinforce the positive behavior she shows.
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But Thursday, at school - we watched her shine. We watched her in her element with her face beaming

and her truly being a leader in the class.

And I felt it inside. I really did - and non more proud than when J blessed her, as he does every Friday night...but this was different.

She is a gift. Her ability to move and dance the ways she does is a gift, 2 years in remission is a gift. 

This is the picture of her I hope to keep in my mind, the picture of her that I would prefer to present her as to other people, the picture of her that I hope to reinforce with all the positive things we can do. 

Accentuate the Positive

    

As I alluded to in my previous post, things have been difficult. I know I can personally get hijacked by things like that...so I am trying to highlight some of the more positive things - not to hide my feelings or truth about what is going on, but to realize there is always a balance - and to truly appreciate all I have.

So in the midst of things going on with Puppy at school, his teachers keep telling me how they are so incredibly impressed with his cognitive abilities. I so love the kindergarten program at the school our children go to. It is a dual curriculum with Hebrew/Judaics and English/secular subjects. 

One amazing part of the curriculum that they have done year after year is the section about artists. This is our fourth time through kindergarten as parents, our fourth time through kindergarten with these two teachers - G'veret S and G'veret M, and each time I am more and more amazed by this lesson. 

They talk about artist like Yaacov Agam, Pablo Picasso, Vincent van Gogh, Marc Chagall, Jackson Pollock, and Michelangelo to name a few. 

G'veret S brought me to the back of the class and said they were learning about Marc Chagall yesterday. One of the things they do is show them pictures of the paintings these amazing artist are known for. They talked about how sometimes artist look to others to gain inspiration and technique before they find what suites them best. The book had pictures from Chagall like: 

 

Puppy's response to the pictures was - "oh, he must have studied Picasso when he did cubism!"

G'veret S and G'veret M were VERY impressed. I am too. I am not artistic, I know nothing about art, really - if I have a question or need to know something I have Google and NES to educate me on the fly (I didn't know what cubism was - I had my friend Google help me!). But Puppy - he loves art, loves creating art, loves learning, loves to use what he learns. 

Time to accentuate the positive! To really appreciate the things that he is able to do so well, even during a time when things are difficult on other fronts. 

He is a great kid. Empathetic, loving, bright, cuddly, sweet and artistic to name a few. I know one of the reason art is so loved is that it helps us stop to take a moment to live in the moment and appreciate what the artist was thinking and doing in that moment...even how it might relate to us in this moment. 

Today I appreciate art a bit more, for helping me take a moment to appreciate all this amazing 6 year old has to offer and what a bright future he will have. 

Welcome the newest member of the family!

Back in December J and I spent a week without children! It was a great week. J and I had to work, and the kids had break. Lolo and Unc drove down on a Thursday night, stayed with us through Sat night when they drove the kids in our van up to my parents' home. The four of them juggled the four kids for the week.


The next weekend J and I went away to a bed and breakfast for New Years and met the kids and my parents back at our house on Sunday. It was the longest time we have been without our children in the almost 11 years at that time we had been parents.


Sometimes when couples do this they come back pregnant...or thinking about a baby. Not us. We decided we were going to adopt a dog!


I had said for years, "we aren't responsible enough for a dog." And at the time, we weren't! Our kids were young and we traveled often. But as te kids gave gotten older and we watched how they loved and were so good with J's parents' dog, Oliver. And then we heard about how great the kids were with Lolo's new puppy, Oliver....and my mind was set.


I set out in search for a rescue. A doodle of some sort, golden or lab. We researched breed, temperament, need for exercise, and mixes. Our preference was a goldendoodle f1b- 3 parts poodle, 1 part golden retriever.

While the family watched Cesar Millan ad nauseum, and J and I read books....(well J read and I skimmed), I filled out applications and forms and referrals. 

But each time we were next on the list, our names were passed over. We have 4 children, between 6 and 11. We didn't make a good forever family on paper. But we had made our decision, and worse yet, we had told our 4 children!

So I started researching breeders. Making sure we found one that wasn't a puppy mill or a backyard breeder...one who didn't cross more breeds than the two we wanted. One who did genetic testing on the parents and line for breed known issues. One who did temperament testing on the pups to match them with their homes.

And we found a breeder! And she helped match us with the perfect pup for us!!!

Meet Cooper (We have started taking pictures like he another child!):

Cooper right before he came to us

Cooper is HOME!

 

Cooper is home!

Cooper's first bath!

Cooper is getting bigger and VERY cuddly

Cooper and his kissing cousin!

Cooper and his favorite toy!

Here are his parents: 

Cooper's Dad - Pepper

Cooper's Mom - Fergie

Here is his litter:

Cooper's Litter

Cooper on Left (Gunner on right)

Cooper on Left (Gunner on right)

It has been a while...18 months!

It has been 18 months since I last put my fingers on this keyboard. Much has happened - much has stayed the same.

When we returned from our trip to Israel the transition wasn't so easy. I was worried if I put it down on paper it was going to be real. Well, clearly it was all real, so it didn't matter if I wrote or not. And then time happened.


What I will say is:

I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband and life partner...father of my children. Don't get me wrong - he can for sure be a boy at times - but after 12.5 years of marriage - I know and appreciate all I have in my best friend.

Bob is in 5th grade and doing beautifully academically and socially. His anxiety is still high -but he is really great. He can be the best big brother, friend and son anyone could wish for...but when he is anxious or frustrated - the three siblings had best watch out - especially Belle.

Belle is in 4th grade and I can't even begin to express how amazing she is. She is helpful, cooperative, doing AMAZINGLY well academically and SOCIALLY. Who.would.have.thought? No - not me! Are there times we want to rip our hair out or light a proverbial fire under her tush - for sure, but what a long way we have come.

Bean is in 2nd grade and she amazing...amazingly perfect and school and amazingly difficult at home. She too can be helpful and cooperative - but the sassy-ness comes in and sometimes I don't know which child I am going to get. You know what they say about the little girl with a curl? That is Bean.

Puppy is in kindergarten - he too is doing amazingly academically - the teachers are thrilled with his reading ability, math and analytical thinking. Socially one on one - fantastic! Bring in an unexpected transition, a class with noise or chaos...someone in his physical space or messing with his things...or a perceived threat - all rational stuff goes out the window, along with his behavior. Knowing how we have made it through to a much better place with Belle, gives me the strength that there will be a light at a break in the tunnel ahead.

I think I am not going to recap the past 18 months, I think I will move forward. At some point we can talk family weddings, engagements, pregnancies (NOT MINE) and the addition of a puppy into our home!

But for now....Happy April 18, 2012. I hope to be able to take the time for myself to write again.